Monday, January 24, 2005

If Men Ruled The World

Once again, an ideal candidate for my humor blog, but being presented here for its aptness ;-)

- Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.

- Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."

- Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

- When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the match, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half-time.

- Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a "Good effort, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

- Birth control would come in beer, vodka, or bourbon.

- Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the football team of your choice.

- The funniest guy in the office would get to be chief executive.

- "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

- At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

- Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

- Tanks would be far easier to rent.

- The garbage bins would take themselves out.

- Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

- Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're number 1!"

- Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

- St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

- Crimestoppers would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

- Two words: "Friends, naked".

- It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

- Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

- When a copper gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Policeman: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Policeman: "Nice one. That's 10 bucks off."

- Taps would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 per cent proof."

- People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

- Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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